In defense of honest sluts and whores

In recent years, discussions of female sexual psychology have revealed truths that put our love of women to the test and are at a strong tension with the political ideal of gender equality. The pickup community has empirically explored female sexuality and how best to stoke female sexual passion. However, the revelation of the truth about female sexual passion has brought with it a strong aversive reaction among men against the very sexual passion they so desire to elicit and experience: If she is sexually passionate, men ask, how can I be sure that I am the only object of her passion and the biological father of the children I may come to raise?

These reasonable concerns have led some men to argue that female passion should be shamed (even as it is enjoyed by them) so as to ensure control of sexual commitment and biological fatherhood. The key concept to such societal control of female sexuality is the concept of “slut”, which denotes a sexually passionate and typically promiscuous woman, who is to be considered undesirable for a serious relationship.

I do agree that there is female behavior that is socially destructive and thus deserves to be shamed for the common good. However, I do not support the shaming of sluts or of female promiscuity. It seems to me to be both unfair to women and ultimately undesirable for men. Instead of shaming the sexual passion or promiscuity, I think it is simply dishonesty that deserves to be shamed. On this basis, I propose the following typology of women.

 

(1) The whore

Definition of whore: A person (typically a woman) who uses her sexual power over people to obtain nonsexual benefits, including money, gifts, and ego validation.

(1a) The honest whore

An honest whore is a whore who obtains nonsexual benefits through her sexual power over people in an honest exchange of goods. The typical example is the professional prostitute. Although this profession is probably as old as mankind and crucial to social peace, the honest whore is not well respected in polite society. This is a great injustice and hypocrisy, because honest whores, whether they are professionals or amateurs, actually make an indispensable and highly honorable contribution. They deserve our highest respect as human beings and as professionals.

(1b) The dishonest whore

A dishonest whore is a whore who obtains nonsexual benefits through her sexual power over people in a dishonest fashion, i.e. by misleading her target. The typical example of a dishonest whore is the widely respected “good girl” who goes on more than two dates with a male who is sexually interested in her, without having sex with him, while nurturing his belief in the possibility of sex, and accepting the male’s financial (typically drinks, dinners, or gifts) and/or emotional investment. This type of “good girl” deserves no respect at all. Her behavior is driven by material greed and/or an insatiable need to boost her ego at men’s expense. She deserves disrespect and social punishment – as this may be the only way to contain the substantial emotional and financial damage she causes.

Note that the dishonest whore may or may not be promiscuous and may or may not be a slut simultaneously (definition below). In fact, she may be a virgin, denying herself the pleasure of indulging her own sexual impulses, and doing damage to herself and others. Her virginity does not make her any less of a whore, if she abuses her sexual power in her dealings with largely defenseless men.

 

(2) The Slut

Definition of slut: a sexually passionate woman, who indulges her sexual impulses if they are sufficiently strong.

(2a) The honest slut

An honest slut is a passionate woman in touch with and honest about her sexuality. She will have sex with a man who is extremely attractive to her. However, her honesty prevents her from misrepresenting her current sexual contacts to a man who is sexually interested and/or emotionally invested in her. She might not volunteer information that might incriminate her by society’s hypocritical standards to people who have no right to know about her private life. But she will not grossly misrepresent her current sex life to a man seriously interested in her. Honesty is easier to achieve for choosy sluts, who have high self-esteem and are not addicted to sex for validation, simply because they are less promiscuous, i.e. their behavior is closer to the hypocritical ideal of virginity.

Note that a slut may or may not be promiscuous. In principle, a slut may simultaneously be a virgin: if she has not yet met the man to tempt her sufficiently, either because she is very young, or because she has exceedingly high standards.

The ideal woman is the honest slut who is also genuinely loving. She combines sexual passion, honesty, and true caring and empathy for people she likes. This is the woman qualified to bear my children.

(2b) The dishonest slut

A dishonest slut is a sexually passionate woman, who does not manage to be both passionate and honest at the same time: Faced with society’s judgments, and with male insecurity and need for control, she breaks down and lies about her behavior. Perhaps she has low-self esteem and needs excessive sex for validation. Perhaps she simply has low standards. In either case, she could be an honest slut, if she did not feel the need to hide her behavior. A truly sexually secure man may elicit honesty in a slut who is usually dishonest, because he does not judge or feel threatened by her sexual passion or promiscuity. In general, however, the dishonest slut feels the need to misrepresent her current sexual contacts in front of men who are sexually interested and/or emotionally investing in her. Note that the dishonest slut could be a virgin in principle. She is a slut to the extent that she is sexually passionate and dishonest to the extent that she misrepresents her sexuality to her suitors.

 

Five independent dimensions

Note that I view sexual passion (sluttiness), use of sexual power for nonsexual benefits (whorishness), promiscuity, honesty, and lovingness as independent variables. All combinations are possible and actually occur. Sexual passion and lovingness are beautiful qualities that deserve to be cultivated; lack thereof is regrettable, but nobody’s fault. Use of sexual power for nonsexual benefits is a reality to be accepted. Promiscuity is neither good nor bad. Honesty is a highly desirable acquired social skill; dishonesty deserves to be shamed so as to promote acquisition of honesty.

 

 

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7 Responses to “In defense of honest sluts and whores”

  1. 11minutes Says:

    This is great reasoning.

    I agree with you that the outrage of men encountering slutty behavior is either about that woman’s
    – whoring (i.e. “trading” sex for material or emotional goods); most men feel instinctively that this is a bad deal because women do enjoy sex at least as much as they do and therefore should not demand anything else for getting it

    – dishonesty; this one goes deep because it is tight into the ultimate fear of raising a non-fathered child.

    Yet, I feel like sexual history can NOT be taken out of the equation like you do (maybe because of an instinctive doubt about female honesty in sexual matters).

    Promiscuity is another variable that matters.

    IMO, male preference is in the following order:
    Honest slut with few former sex partners
    Honest slut with many previous partners
    Honest whore/Dishonest whore
    Dishonest slut with few sex partners
    Dishonest slut with many former sex partners

  2. stagetwo Says:

    i largely agree. but i’d place the dishonest whore at the very end…

    preference order as short-term sex partner:
    (1) Honest slut with few former sex partners
    (2) Honest slut with many previous partners
    (3) Honest whore
    (4) Dishonest slut with few sex partners
    (5) Dishonest slut with many former sex partners
    (6) Dishonest whore

    as long-term lover: only honest sluts considered (fewer previous sex partners preferred)

  3. Artful Dodger Says:

    “She deserves disrespect and social punishment – as this may be the only way to contain the substantial emotional and financial damage she causes.”

    Good post. But how we impose social punishment on the dishonest whore? She’s not quite as easy to reprimand as the honest whore and the honest/dishonest slut.

    • stagetwo Says:

      i’d say don’t play her game of pretense. her dishonesty only pays off to the extent that men naively believe her.

  4. Altamera74 Says:

    Sluttiness does not equate with sexual passion. Sluttiness and promiscuity go hand in hand. Reference: http://www.thefreedictionary.com/slut

    Your attempt to redefine words with commonly accepted definitions reeks of desperation; desperation to craft a new reality.

    As well, there are plenty of women who are neither whores nor sluts, and simply are imbued with the character traits necessary to save their sexual passion for serious relationships.

    Poor post.

  5. John Says:

    +1 Altamera, …puts it quite well.

    Also, a few flawed assumptions:

    1. There are many men who don’t shame promiscuity in women, however, most of the ones with common-sense and choices prefer to exclude these women from serious relationships.
    Exclusion from consideration for serious / long-term relationships DOES NOT EQUAL lack of respect. (It is more about assessing fitness for things which the men rightly evaluate just like women evaluate men for their own criteria)

    2. Shaming promiscuity is done as a social construct (including other women whose interests are threatened by such behaviour) and NOT by men alone. It’s about devaluing oneself as a long-term catch in the “relationship/dating/sex” market, so long as sex remains an important component of a romantic relationship.
    This is why such behavior has been discouraged, it’s simply unsustainable in the long-term.

    3. The way men and women approach sexuality and competition in the “relationship/dating/sex” market and the whole dynamics of male and female sexuality are quite different (if complimentary). This is why promiscuity might be of a far bigger concern to males than females. Among other things, women usually marry “up”, and pre-selection by other women usually gets a woman’s attention, whereas men do NOT normally gravitate to other men’s women for anything more than sex. It is usually women who gain by having men commit to them, and sharing child-rearing responsibility.

    The real world is complex and filled with shades of a grey on continuum, of course, but these are reasonable approximations to help understand why certain behaviors and roles have always been discouraged. Technological change that allows one to discreetly contact many more potential sexual partners from around the world from hand-held devices does NOT alter the consequences of such actions one-bit.

    • stagetwo Says:

      very good points. although my basic argument still makes sense to me, this post lacks perspective and balance, in retrospect.

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