Is fellatio primarily a male or a female fantasy?

Home alone one afternoon when I was 15, I picked up my mother’s Cosmopolitan magazine and came across an article about fellatio. The piece referred to it as “every guy’s dream” and “something women do not like to do”.

This was puzzling to me because it contradicted my own experience. I was a virgin at the time, so I had no evidence as to whether women did or did not like to do it. But I knew that the other assertion – that it was every guy’s dream – did not fit my own experience. I had been masturbating for at least three years, but never once fantasized about fellatio.

In the months that followed, I experimented with fellatio imagery. However, it didn’t really work for me, and I ended up going back to remembering advertisements (a beautiful model’s face in profile, another one’s skinny legs) and glimpses of the hot girl one class above me at school, and imagining their pussies. This was the imagery that worked to make me come.

It was my first girlfriend’s initiative that brought fellatio back to me years later. She said she wanted to try it and so I let her. It was hot to see her do it, but despite the fact that I would come quite quickly every time we fucked, I could not come at all in her mouth. And though it became part of our repertoire over the months that followed, I did not come this way until much later. It was as though evolution itself, a deep voice within me, was calmly delivering its mantra: “Incorrect orifice. Do not, repeat, do not discharge the load.”

Or was it nurture, instead of nature, reminding me that this was “something women do not like to do”, and that I should therefore not come in her mouth? Perhaps this played a role as well. But then, she was the one who wanted this and made it happen. And she was all excited when we rented “Deep Throat” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deep_Throat_(film)), the legendary movie, from our local artsy video store. I was all innocent.

It was through the efforts of a series of girlfriends that I came to enjoy fellatio and learned to come in the process. So based on my personal experience, I’d say that it’s primarily a female fantasy and an acquired taste for men – and I suspect that the reverse may hold for cunnilingus.

Recently I found the claim from Cosmopolitan echoed by Erica Jong, I think it was, in an interview in the interesting documentary movie “Inside deep throat” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inside_Deep_Throat). And as I watched her say it, I could not help but feel that she was insincere: taking her cues not from her own sexual experience, but from her political convictions, which – by and large – I do suspect I share.

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3 Responses to “Is fellatio primarily a male or a female fantasy?”

  1. Ovid Says:

    This has very little to do with the narrow focus of this post,but if you would be so kind,take a look at this post from another blog.I would ask to pay special attention to many of the comments which follow the article,those dealing negatively with PUAs.Let me know what you think.

    Many thanks.

    Almost forgot the link,here it is:http://counterfem.blogspot.com/2008/03/pua-community.html#links

  2. stagetwo Says:

    ovid,

    thanks for the link. i read the post and responses. those comments are very heterogeneous, but i will respond in general terms…

    my response got so long that i made it a post:
    https://stagetwo.wordpress.com/2009/02/08/is-game-evil/

    –stagetwo

  3. 11minutes Says:

    Very interesting observations.

    In particular, the idea that anorgasmia during oral sex might be caused by an evolutionary mechanism not to “waste” any sperm is intriguing. However, it could follow that women prefer oral sex with beta males so as not to waste alpha sperm. In “Sperm Wars” there is a chapter that hints at that, and in “Female Infidelity” there is a sidenote on the increased frequency of oral sex initiated by cheating women.

    In the “God Sex Method” there is a simple, but amazing statement about Deep Throating: “She has to learn it.” As many other sexual practices that are slightly out of the (vanilla) norm, it often takes a trusted partner for women to do such a step. Gagging herself on your cock is definitely a turn on for sexually submissive women (which are undoubtedly by far the majority).

    IMO, the part of female sexuality that gets touched upon here (besides dominance/submission) is “adoration”. Women enjoy the feeling of attraction, and even more so “uber-attraction” (that is why they get turned on by their own wetness). Cock and sperm worship are the ultimate form of female adoration of a male. The fact that it is also taboo and naughty ads to the thrill. In her fantasy it is not just the BJ, it is her working for the semen to be completely hers…

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