Love received superlinear in number of girlfriends

When you go from one to two girlfriends, the amount of love you receive does not double, it quadruples: Not only do you have two girls, but each of the girls also loves you twice as much (to a first approximation).

Let’s assume we maintain sexual love relationships with n girls. How does the amount of love and sexual desire that we are the object of relate to the number n?

Naively, we could assume that the relationships are independent and thus two girlfriends mean twice as much love as one: a linear relationship. The independence assumption is clearly questionable. Indeed, the counterarguments conventionally presented all question this assumption:

(1) Girls want monogamy: The girls will not put up with this. Whether you cheat or pursue this openly does not matter. The girls will eventually find out. Since a girl primarily wants a monogamous love relationship, each of them will come to dislike you, thus reducing the total love received. Eventually they will leave you.

(2) Imperial overstretch: The drama that ensues from the girls’ mutual awareness will be unbearable. You will not be able to handle it. It’s like a pinball game: when the second ball comes in, you’ll be liable to lose them both, as your attention is spread too thin.

(3) Limited attentional and time resources: The relationships are not independent, because your time is limited. You will only be with one girl at a time (or have to divide your attention in case you cohabitate and/or copulate with several at once), so you might as well get all your love from one woman to receive the same total amount of love.

Note that all these conventional arguments question the independence assumption and that they all suggest that the love received is sublinear in the number n of girlfriends. In other words, while two girlfriends may be better than one, they won’t be twice as good. While arguments (2) and (3) above make points of some validity, argument (1) is questionable to say the least.

More importantly, several other arguments deserve consideration. Like the conventional arguments listed above, they all question the independence assumption. However, unlike the conventional arguments, they suggest that the love received is superlinear in n.

B-G_G-B-G

(a) Girls want freedom: Each of your girls has more time to pursue whatever she likes to independently of you. This makes each of your girlfriends happy.

(b) Refusal to commit makes you sexy: Your refusal to commit may get a girl upset. It also gets her wet and makes her love you more. If you changed your mind and committed to one of the girls, she would go from emotionally upset to sexually disappointed. Committing to a single girl is certain proof to her sex module that you are merely equal to her. And a merely equal male, unfortunately, is never sexually desirable to a woman.

(c) Each girl has a stronger emotional experience with you: The alternation of being with you and being apart creates a more substantial and satisfying emotional dynamic in her. She gets to miss you while you are gone and love you while you are there. She gets to pine and anticipate meeting you and to dread your parting. This back and forth of together and apart gives her a thoroughly satisfying emotional fuck on a timescale of days and weeks. And she loves this.

(d) Each girl’s desire for you heightens  each other girl’s desire: The female sex module takes its judgment from any person other than its host girl (judgment-copying theory of female sexual preference). In a monogamous relationship, you are the most important other person that your girl’s sex module can copy her judgment about you from. Her sex module will therefore almost entirely rely on your own judgment about yourself for judgment copying. So essentially she will find you as sexy as you are arrogant. Arrogance is fun. But being an arrogant asshole also takes a lot of energy that you may want to invest otherwise, for example in your art, science, or business. With even just a second girlfriend in the game, the girls’ sex modules can copy their judgments from each other, thus creating a self-sustaining positive feedback loop that elevates you to ever greater heights of desirability.

(e) Jealousy-plot-line material abounds: The fact that you have multiple girlfriends provides the raw material for an endless soap opera of jealousy plot lines to be spun in a girl’s mind. If any of the girls enjoys such an emotional stimulus, it is hers in her relationship with you. Best of all: you needn’t expend nervous energy to construct or set up these plots. The soap opera writes itself around you and in their minds. Note that this is separate from the previous point: Judgment copying will operate even with girls who are not jealous or inclined toward drama.

(f) You will be less emotional about and therefore more desirable to each of the girls: If you are an emotional and loving man, then having a single girlfriend can be problematic. Most women want the loving and emotional part for themselves and find it a sexual turnoff in men. A good cook may use small amounts of sugar, but too much of it cheapens the meal. With your love spread over several girls, the danger of too much love and emotion is greatly reduced, making each of the girls desire you more.

In my experience, factors (a) to (f) trump factors (1) to (3). As a result, the total amount of love received is robustly superlinear in the number n of girlfriends. This holds for n<=5.

My working hypothesis is that the relationship is quadratic: L=c*n^2, where L is total love received and c a constant. Such a quadratic relationship would be consistent with the idea that each girl’s love for you is linear in the number of other girls who love you. (Alternatively, a girl’s love could be linear in the sum total of the love from other girls. This latter hypothesis, however, would predict a love explosion due to positive feedback among the girls.) Saturation effects may set in for larger n due to factors (2) and (3).

In closing, I would like to note that the advantage to you of multiple girlfriends does not come at an expense to anyone else. The girls as well could have relationships with multiple men if they were so inclined. But even if they only want you and each wants you to herself, the multiple-girlfriends scenario is preferable for all involved. In particular, each girl – though she may strive for a monogamous relationship with you – will be more satisfied with you than she would be if you let her monopolize you.

Moreover, we can take a utilitarian ethical perspective and argue that having multiple girlfriends is not only preferable for you as a greedy individual agent, it also increases the overall amount of love given and received in society at large (the gross love product if you will) – because of superlinearity: The five guys who might otherwise have had lukewarm monogamous relationships with your girls would have received less love (and thus less happiness) combined than you do, even if none of your girls gives love to any other man. Conversely, of course, your five girls would also have been less fulfilled in separate relationships to those five mere monogamous mortals.

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2 Responses to “Love received superlinear in number of girlfriends”

  1. 11minutes Says:

    (g) Less sexual neediness increases her desire

  2. 11minutes Says:

    “Committing to a single girl is certain proof to her sex module that you are merely equal to her. And a merely equal male, unfortunately, is never sexually desirable to a woman.”

    This is at the heart of “Relationship Game”. Successfully staying in a relationship is not just a continuation of picking her up, but requires even more work.

    In order to pick a woman up (initial sex), you merely need to have higher value than the other options. In order to have her stay on your side happily and faithfully, you will need to up that initial value since the commitment lowered it substantially.

    So, ironically, it is easier to have a harem than to be in a committed relationship (with regard to the amount of work you put in to game the women).

    Many men say they “just” want a monogamous relationship. what they don’t realize is that this is the hardest option:
    If you lack the skills, you will fail (think: maternal frigidity, paternity theft, divorce etc).
    If you have some skills, you can have more sex than most married men but you still might fail (think: the initial successes of PUAs; many of them “settle” after a series of flings, just to end up being dumped after a short time)
    If seriously prefer the model of idealized mutual (sexually) faithful monogamy, you will need to be able to master initial attraction AND long term attraction WITHOUT the help of the social proof of the other girls in your harem.

    Any guy claiming to “just” want a girl friend needs to seriously think about the “just” part.

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